I was so incredibly wrong in my last post.
I should’ve never let that guy back into my life even as friends. I found out that he cheated on me multiple times back when we were together. And I was told this by my OTHER ex boyfriend. Is that not some fucking bullshit? Anyway, nd on top of that, every personal thing Ive ever told him in confidence he threw back in my face and criticized me to make me feel even worse.
Normally my posts are longer and more self reflective. But I really have nothing for you here. I’ve never been hurt so deeply by another person. I’ll get through this but FUCK this is really painful….
You know my old self would go back and shamefully delete my past posts, but I’m not going to do that.
Because what the fuck do I even care. At one point I thought and meant all of those things that I said. If anyone reads it and holds it against me or thinks of me in a different way, so what? It’s who I am and if you don’t like that I’ve gotta learn to be alright with that.
A big theme of my past posts was my ex. Who I legitimately could not stand, who I would fantasize about how bad I was hoping he was doing. Who I would fantasize would want me back, even though I didn’t want him back at all. Basically, I just wanted him to feel the pain that I once did. That ultimately is what I really wanted.
Well I never imagined that I’d ever be able to be his friend. But I am now. And I know what you’re thinking because legitimately everyone in my life who I have told about this has the same skepticism about it. They understandably assume that I still have feelings for him and that being friends with him is my way of trying to get back together with him. Well thank god that is not actually true. When he first messaged me to try and talk to me again (I blocked his number) I essentially told him to fuck off. And that was seriously so empowering. Being given the opportunity to turn him down like that was the best thing I could’ve asked for. I was finally back in control of the relationship, whether it be friendship or relationship, I finally found a sense of control, a sense of power. Two things that I completely and utterly lost while we were still dating. After a couple of days I thought it over, and I realize I was strong enough to become friends with him. I legitimately wanted to be friends with him. It has been so therapeutic. It’s really helped me. And boosted my ego, if I’m being completely honest. It’s like finally that one daunting thing I now finally have taken control over. There’s nothing out there that is a threat, because he isn’t one anymore. I have proved to myself that he doesn’t have that kind of power over me anymore.
I’ve been having a hard time with all the attention from guys I’ve been getting, though. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it’s actually really daunting sometimes. The aforementioned guy is not the only ex who is now suddenly back in my life. My exex just got out of a relationship with his former girlfriend. I never really lost feelings for that guy, so naturally that is complicated. I mean nothing really is happening between me and that guy, but it still brings up feelings that just adds to the massive pile of them that I already can’t sort through about a million other guys. I’ve come to realize that there is a whole lot that goes into finding the perfect guy to date. Well not perfect, but the right guy.
There is this one guy that I on and off hookup with who I am so ridiculously attracted to sexually. But everything else about him just doesn’t cut it for me. He couldn’t satisfy my on an emotional level and several other things. But sexually I find him so magnetic. Then there is this other guy who I have the sexual thing with and an emotional thing with, but theres just not the magnetic attraction. And the list goes on with guys who I have certain connections with, but not all of them at once. And it just makes me ask myself the existential question: is it even possible to find all of those connections with one guy? Am I being too high maintenance and should I just settle for one of them? but then that begs the question, which one would i even choose? would i be making a mistake? Literally, I can’t even deal with this. I don’t even know if I WANT to deal with this. I used to be so into diving into my feelings about guys, but lately I’ve just been overwhelmed as shit with all of them and am so against acknowledging any feelings at all. Not because I don’t want them, but because I am so unsure of every single thing that I feel about them.