I don’t know what it is about these past 2 or so days. It is most likely the result of the spring break binge drinking for the past week. I’ve drank more beer and taken more shots in the past week than I have this entire year. Literally though. I never drink liquor because it gets me too drunk which I don’t normally like to do, but I made an exception for this week. And oh my god. I’m actually pretty impressed with myself at how well I handled my liquor.
Well I just went off on a tangent. What I came here to say is that I have not been feeling well. There’s something going on in my head and I can’t really understand what or why it is. I just know that it feels really off and unsettling. The last two mornings I started drinking at 10:30am to get rid of the feeling. This was completely appropriate for spring break but certainly not today. The desire to do it again is still here though. I’m really, really hoping this is just because of all the alcohol in my system or some type of withdrawal. I just hope it passes.
I got a lot of feelings and they’re pissing me off. Like I just read a bunch of john green quotes. It’s that kind of mood. I had a lot of fun with this guy in my friend group this trip. Interpret fun however you choose. Anyway, it was just a fling. I don’t like this guy in that way. What I did like was how nice it felt to have a guy around. I miss having a boyfriend. For the longest time, I’ve been very happy single. Happier than I’ve ever been to be single. I was never okay with it until the past few months I finally learned how to be single and happy. But after this little spring break fling, it’s made me crave a relationship again. And just to reiterate, I don’t crave one with this guy. He’s adorable and a good guy but were not a good match romantically speaking. Basically, I just wrote a paragraph dancing in circles around this simple fact: I’m lonely.
I’m also worried about the imminent doom that is college ending. I have a lot of stress on the horizon. I wanted to stay in Alabama on spring break forever. It was like life was put on pause. It did not feel like real life. Like time had stopped and I was living a different life for a short period of time. I loved it, I really did. The concerns I addressed about my mood in the beginning of this post are probably misleading. I was in a great mood while I was drinking. And I was drinking 90% of the trip. I had several moments where I looked around and appreciated the moment and acknowledged to myself how happy I was in that moment and savored it. I am really bummed that it’s over. But I suppose all good things gotta come to an end. I wish they didn’t.
This post is not as interesting or insightful as my others. I say this like people actually read this. Maybe one person will. Oh well. I do this for me anyway. It helps me put shit into perspective. So sorry for clogging your feed with the ramblings of my mind, lol. I’m in the car ride home right now. So I got a lot of time to kill as well.
I’m out of shit to say for now. Something tells me I’ll have more crap to write and get off my mind not too long from now.
I’m not at all sad or depressed anymore. I have that very much under control. At this point in life I’m just a bit scared. And my cynicism is growing exponentially. I don’t like that at all. I’m not sure if there’s any way to stifle it, either.
I’m cynical about all aspects of life, not just love and relationships. Granted, those feelings are the most bright, the most raw, layered, continuously changing and on the surface.
And they are triggered by the tweets my ex posts. I’m just going to skip the part where I scold myself for still reading them. He said he’s mastered all zones of relationships except for the no longer being friends zone. A homage to me for sure, as it was my decision to cut ties, and he was not about that at all. In fact, he successfully manipulated me into not cutting ties at least 4 times before I finally took my stand.
Needless to say it’s a bit unnerving to see him write things like that. I find a sense of peace with the idea that he no longer thinks of me and that I am completely irrelevant to him. Which may sound strange, but to me it’s not. I run under this assumption and it gives me a sense of closure and righteousness in my decision to be done with him, and that it is indeed, undoubtedly 100% over. So when he actually does acknowledge me, it blows that little vision of mine out of reality. Can no longer go about my day thinking that he doesn’t care I exist. It enlightens fear in me. That 1% risk that he’d ever try and come back to me, and I’d have to figure out a way to stay strong. That risk truly scares me. I’m scared of ever being so vulnerable again. I like my life now, and the control I have over it and my happiness. I view him as a direct threat to all that.
That’s all for now.
This was a strange week. A lot of things happened that were just very weird. Things that happened that left me with uncomfortable feelings. A “bad taste in my mouth” but with feelings.
I used to be extremely involved in my sorority. Like exec board, planning huge philanthropy events, weekly meetings plus the regular chapter meetings, various other things, etc.
But now I feel an intense sense of disconnect with it. And it’s not necessarily negative. I almost feel as if I’m supposed to still be engrossed in it. But I’m not. I’m just not. I almost feel a sense of resentment towards it in the strangest way and I don’t know why. I’ve always been really conflicted on the idea of a sorority. I love it for the structure and for the values it has taught me. I love it for the friends it’s allowed me to make. I also love it for the typical reasons, the boys and the parties. There are many things about being a part of Greek life that have been very, very positive. In fact, more positive than negative. But still….. There are the negatives.
I absolutely detest the superficial aspects. I hate how bitchy and downright ridiculous some circumstances are. I hate the political aspects of it. I find it so fucking contradictory. I hate how nitpicky we are about the stupidest most insignificant details. I hate the power trips people are on. I feel like it totally just ruins the whole reason were in a damn sorority in the first place. It’s shit like that that makes me resent it. I hate passive aggressive bullshit. It just makes me angry and gives me negative vibes that I frankly have no interest in dealing with anymore. I’ve had amazing experiences and have made great friends in it, but at this point in my life, I guess there’s no other way of saying it…. I’m over it.
I had a great time my second buku experience. I couldn’t help but reminisce on my first experience, though. It was still the beginning of our relationship. I’d always wanted to goto an electronic music festival. I was ecstatic to be able to not only goto the event itself, but to share it with someone I was crazy about. Someone I felt so comfortable with. He really understood me. He knew why I would feel the way I felt and didn’t judge me for it. He didn’t look down on me. This was my most mature relationship experience to date.
Not only did I have that little cloud occasionally dropping into my head when I would see happy couples, there was something else. The girl who he was with before me, who was ever present even after he ended it with her and was dating me. That girl was there. And I saw her. Multiple times. It wasn’t that seeing her was a big deal as much as seeing her magnified the original cloud, which in all honestly was just fleeting moments of private thought. Nothing major. I could shake those feelings.
Despite all this I still had an amazing time with my friends this weekend. If anything, as I was recapping the experience in my head afterwards was when these circumstances really affected me the most. When I got home it was all I could think about for a little while. I chalk it up to my depleted serotonin levels at the time, but still.
This is not to say I’m not over him, because I am. I know at this point that he is toxic for me. I don’t want him back. What I want back, and what I hope for one day, and yearn for every now and then late at night, is that connection we once shared. I want that desperately with another person. That is what life is all about if you ask me. Love. Sharing something with someone else. When you find that, everything else in life makes sense, and everything else in life is better. This raw passion I have for love, and frankly, addictive tendencies toward it and the objects of my affection as well, have proved both amazing and destructive as hell for me. It’s going to be right one day. I’ll find it again someday. But for now, the aforementioned clouds that visit me now and then with reminders of what I used to share with someone who I am no longer in contact with, someone who did not appreciate me, someone who really hurt me, are apparently here to stay. I write this entry because I wish to get rid of it. I want to find clarity. I want to be at peace with the situation. I am in some ways, and in other was I’m not. It still affects me. While it no longer controls my life or inhibits my happiness severely, it’s still there. It’s still there in a minute compartment in the back of my brain, and when it’s triggered, it sucks. I long for the day that I’m no lingered triggered. I long for the day the clouds are white and not grey. I’m glad they’re not thunderstorm clouds anymore but hell I’m ready for a rainbow.
Thanks for reading.