I should’ve never let that guy back into my life even as friends. I found out that he cheated on me multiple times back when we were together. And I was told this by my OTHER ex boyfriend. Is that not some fucking bullshit? Anyway, nd on top of that, every personal thing Ive ever told him in confidence he threw back in my face and criticized me to make me feel even worse.
Normally my posts are longer and more self reflective. But I really have nothing for you here. I’ve never been hurt so deeply by another person. I’ll get through this but FUCK this is really painful….
You know my old self would go back and shamefully delete my past posts, but I’m not going to do that.
Because what the fuck do I even care. At one point I thought and meant all of those things that I said. If anyone reads it and holds it against me or thinks of me in a different way, so what? It’s who I am and if you don’t like that I’ve gotta learn to be alright with that.
A big theme of my past posts was my ex. Who I legitimately could not stand, who I would fantasize about how bad I was hoping he was doing. Who I would fantasize would want me back, even though I didn’t want him back at all. Basically, I just wanted him to feel the pain that I once did. That ultimately is what I really wanted.
Well I never imagined that I’d ever be able to be his friend. But I am now. And I know what you’re thinking because legitimately everyone in my life who I have told about this has the same skepticism about it. They understandably assume that I still have feelings for him and that being friends with him is my way of trying to get back together with him. Well thank god that is not actually true. When he first messaged me to try and talk to me again (I blocked his number) I essentially told him to fuck off. And that was seriously so empowering. Being given the opportunity to turn him down like that was the best thing I could’ve asked for. I was finally back in control of the relationship, whether it be friendship or relationship, I finally found a sense of control, a sense of power. Two things that I completely and utterly lost while we were still dating. After a couple of days I thought it over, and I realize I was strong enough to become friends with him. I legitimately wanted to be friends with him. It has been so therapeutic. It’s really helped me. And boosted my ego, if I’m being completely honest. It’s like finally that one daunting thing I now finally have taken control over. There’s nothing out there that is a threat, because he isn’t one anymore. I have proved to myself that he doesn’t have that kind of power over me anymore.
I’ve been having a hard time with all the attention from guys I’ve been getting, though. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it’s actually really daunting sometimes. The aforementioned guy is not the only ex who is now suddenly back in my life. My exex just got out of a relationship with his former girlfriend. I never really lost feelings for that guy, so naturally that is complicated. I mean nothing really is happening between me and that guy, but it still brings up feelings that just adds to the massive pile of them that I already can’t sort through about a million other guys. I’ve come to realize that there is a whole lot that goes into finding the perfect guy to date. Well not perfect, but the right guy.
There is this one guy that I on and off hookup with who I am so ridiculously attracted to sexually. But everything else about him just doesn’t cut it for me. He couldn’t satisfy my on an emotional level and several other things. But sexually I find him so magnetic. Then there is this other guy who I have the sexual thing with and an emotional thing with, but theres just not the magnetic attraction. And the list goes on with guys who I have certain connections with, but not all of them at once. And it just makes me ask myself the existential question: is it even possible to find all of those connections with one guy? Am I being too high maintenance and should I just settle for one of them? but then that begs the question, which one would i even choose? would i be making a mistake? Literally, I can’t even deal with this. I don’t even know if I WANT to deal with this. I used to be so into diving into my feelings about guys, but lately I’ve just been overwhelmed as shit with all of them and am so against acknowledging any feelings at all. Not because I don’t want them, but because I am so unsure of every single thing that I feel about them.
Well thankfully I am out of the dark place that I was the last time I posted. It was definitely a strange funk, but I am happy to report that I am feeling great again.
I am very reflective today. All of the Facebook posts about graduation coming are causing this. There were several posts today about today being people’s “last undergrad class ever!” and I can’t help but think about what it would feel like if I were graduating on time and were in that position right now. I can’t even wrap my head around that possibility. I am not ready to graduate at all. I’m nowhere near ready. I am, however, confident that come December, I will be ready.
College has been the time of my life. I got through High School with the skin of my teeth. I did not prosper at all there. I was pretty much unhappy the entire time. I found my true happiness for the first time in my life when I transferred to LSU on August 4th, 2011.
But my love for LSU is meant for another post. Today, I am reflecting on my freshmen year. I spent my freshmen year at SUNY Oneonta. It wasn’t that it was the most terrible school in the world, because it wasn’t to me. It was good enough. But… good enough doesn’t satisfy me. I couldn’t bring myself to settle. I found myself yearning to see more of the country everyday. Upstate New York just didn’t do it for me. It wasn’t what I was looking for. The schools in California that I applied to naively as a Senior in High School were not practical (they were fucking expensive) and I didn’t realize that until it was too late, and I had to settle for Oneonta.
I had a very, very rocky first semester. I almost went home the first week of school. My social skills were well behind most of my peers. My senior year of high school was a year of social alienation for me. I basically skipped an entire year of social development. My first boyfriend broke up with me in the beginning of senior year, and all of my friends had a falling out. I was essentially alone, and I can honestly say it was the most depressing time of my entire life. I almost didn’t make it out alive. I thought about suicide so much that year. I never tried, thank god, but it was constantly on my mind. People in school were terrible to me. I definitely brought some of it on myself, but not all of it. I went to a parties by myself which was retrospectively a really stupid idea, but still. Girls would say “why are you here, no one likes you” “everyone hates you” and all that great stuff. Then one night, a guy told me that there was a party and I had my mom bring me. But there wasn’t actually a party. He had lied to me as a joke. I only realized this once I got there, because my ex texted me and told me what had happened because he felt bad for me. I had to pretend to my mom that the party was cancelled, being to embarrassed to tell her what actually happened, that I was actually that much of a loser. In addition to High School drama, my aunt had committed suicide a few months before my senior year. Then right in the beginning of my senior year, my uncle suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. Then at the end of senior year, my grandfather passed away. So on top of dealing with having no friends, being scared of my future, being bullied by everyone around me and being depressed over losing my first love, I had all of that going on as well. And no one around me knew it, either that, or they just didn’t care. I’m so proud of myself for getting through it. It was all around just a terrible year. 2010, you just weren’t for me. And that’s fine. I have grown tremendously as a person since. But needles to say, I was a bit off when I first entered Oneonta as a freshmen. I was desperate to make people like me, as I was so used to everyone around me isolating me. I was incredibly insecure and not mentally stable. My roommate was a bitch from hell who did not help the situation. It began like an extension of high school, with cliques, people hating me, all that fun stuff. It even included me having to goto university court, get interviewed by police and having an entire floor spread rumors about me. My roommates laptop broke and she had decided to blame it on me, and involve the police. To this day, I can’t believe that actually happened, as that probably reads as fiction. The best theory I’ve come up with is that she knew I was decently well off and assumed if she made up that rumor, I would offer to pay for her computer. When that fell through, she needed a police report to make an insurance claim, and I happened to be the unlucky scapegoat. Well, I was cleared of any charges considering there was no basis of her accusation, but I digress. That is just one incident that made my first semester rocky. The second one is a bit deeper. At 19, I hadn’t learned how to deal with my anxiety yet. I was all over the place. I was so anxious and distraught one night after a fight with my friend that I couldn’t bear to feel that way anymore. It was so bad that I took 2 xanax and took 3 straight shots of vodka just so I could make the pain go away. I wasn’t trying to commit suicide, I just wanted to alleviate my anxiety. I’m a tiny person, so this FUCKED ME UP. I ended up waking up in the hospital. That was definitely a wake up call for me. I needed to get my shit together. And thankfully, I did.
Fast forward to second semester at Oneonta. I ended up actually enjoying it. I began giving less of a fuck what people thought about me because I knew in my heart I was leaving. I would look up information about schools every single night. I then told my mom how I was thinking about transferring and she said she wasn’t surprised. She was so supportive about it. She said to narrow it down to a few schools and that we would fly out and visit them and I could choose one. I was ecstatic. I became closer with my friends at Oneonta and just enjoyed my time there as best as I could, and I certainly did. I will forever cherish that last semester. I was so innocent, so young and so full of life. My life and happiness was just beginning to blossom, which was something I had never felt before. Things were only going up from there (and they certainly have since).
In summarization, I am nostalgic about Oneonta because of all the posts I’m seeing. If i hadn’t transferred, I’d be graduating on time right now. And I can’t even IMAGINE what my life would be like if I didn’t leave. It was a great experience. I met a lot of people who taught me so many life lessons that I’m grateful for to this day. Ultimately, moving to LSU was the best decision I’ve ever made in my entire life, but I wouldn’t have been able to make that decision without first going to Oneonta.
So thank you, SUNY College at Oneonta. And congratulations to everyone graduating. I will continue reflecting and being thankful for the rest of the day.
I don’t feel better today. I still feel really depressed. Needed my medication for the first time in 2 months.
I get in this mode where I feel like there is not a single person I can talk to who truly understands. Or cares. Even though I know I have plenty of people around me who do care and may understand. I just doubt all rational thinking.
Thankfully it’s very rare that I get so depressed that I can’t function at a very basic level. But it certainly hinders my best. That is very frustrating to me. I wanted to study 2 chapters for my test Thursday today, but I barely got through one. I’m thankful that I did my best to try, though. Sometimes I just have to accept the best that I can do and realize that this is who I am and I can’t control or change it.
It’s like I desperately want to see or talk to somebody while desperately wanting to be alone and invisible at the same time. I’m starving but have no desire to eat anything. I had a bowl of cereal this morning and that was only because I knew if I didn’t eat I couldn’t focus on my school work. Now that I’ve got that finished I have no motivation to bother eating.
I have about a million other things on my mind that I should address and need to face. But I just don’t care enough right now.
I’m hopeful that resuming my everyday routine tomorrow, as school starts up again, will reduce my anxiety. Tomorrow might be hard too, but I am hopeful it’ll be easier.
That’s what has gotten me through the hardest times. Hope.
I don’t know what it is about these past 2 or so days. It is most likely the result of the spring break binge drinking for the past week. I’ve drank more beer and taken more shots in the past week than I have this entire year. Literally though. I never drink liquor because it gets me too drunk which I don’t normally like to do, but I made an exception for this week. And oh my god. I’m actually pretty impressed with myself at how well I handled my liquor.
Well I just went off on a tangent. What I came here to say is that I have not been feeling well. There’s something going on in my head and I can’t really understand what or why it is. I just know that it feels really off and unsettling. The last two mornings I started drinking at 10:30am to get rid of the feeling. This was completely appropriate for spring break but certainly not today. The desire to do it again is still here though. I’m really, really hoping this is just because of all the alcohol in my system or some type of withdrawal. I just hope it passes.
I got a lot of feelings and they’re pissing me off. Like I just read a bunch of john green quotes. It’s that kind of mood. I had a lot of fun with this guy in my friend group this trip. Interpret fun however you choose. Anyway, it was just a fling. I don’t like this guy in that way. What I did like was how nice it felt to have a guy around. I miss having a boyfriend. For the longest time, I’ve been very happy single. Happier than I’ve ever been to be single. I was never okay with it until the past few months I finally learned how to be single and happy. But after this little spring break fling, it’s made me crave a relationship again. And just to reiterate, I don’t crave one with this guy. He’s adorable and a good guy but were not a good match romantically speaking. Basically, I just wrote a paragraph dancing in circles around this simple fact: I’m lonely.
I’m also worried about the imminent doom that is college ending. I have a lot of stress on the horizon. I wanted to stay in Alabama on spring break forever. It was like life was put on pause. It did not feel like real life. Like time had stopped and I was living a different life for a short period of time. I loved it, I really did. The concerns I addressed about my mood in the beginning of this post are probably misleading. I was in a great mood while I was drinking. And I was drinking 90% of the trip. I had several moments where I looked around and appreciated the moment and acknowledged to myself how happy I was in that moment and savored it. I am really bummed that it’s over. But I suppose all good things gotta come to an end. I wish they didn’t.
This post is not as interesting or insightful as my others. I say this like people actually read this. Maybe one person will. Oh well. I do this for me anyway. It helps me put shit into perspective. So sorry for clogging your feed with the ramblings of my mind, lol. I’m in the car ride home right now. So I got a lot of time to kill as well.
I’m out of shit to say for now. Something tells me I’ll have more crap to write and get off my mind not too long from now.
I’m not at all sad or depressed anymore. I have that very much under control. At this point in life I’m just a bit scared. And my cynicism is growing exponentially. I don’t like that at all. I’m not sure if there’s any way to stifle it, either.
I’m cynical about all aspects of life, not just love and relationships. Granted, those feelings are the most bright, the most raw, layered, continuously changing and on the surface.
And they are triggered by the tweets my ex posts. I’m just going to skip the part where I scold myself for still reading them. He said he’s mastered all zones of relationships except for the no longer being friends zone. A homage to me for sure, as it was my decision to cut ties, and he was not about that at all. In fact, he successfully manipulated me into not cutting ties at least 4 times before I finally took my stand.
Needless to say it’s a bit unnerving to see him write things like that. I find a sense of peace with the idea that he no longer thinks of me and that I am completely irrelevant to him. Which may sound strange, but to me it’s not. I run under this assumption and it gives me a sense of closure and righteousness in my decision to be done with him, and that it is indeed, undoubtedly 100% over. So when he actually does acknowledge me, it blows that little vision of mine out of reality. Can no longer go about my day thinking that he doesn’t care I exist. It enlightens fear in me. That 1% risk that he’d ever try and come back to me, and I’d have to figure out a way to stay strong. That risk truly scares me. I’m scared of ever being so vulnerable again. I like my life now, and the control I have over it and my happiness. I view him as a direct threat to all that.
“Never apologize for how you feel. No one can control how they feel. The sun doesn’t apologize for being the sun. The rain doesn’t say sorry for falling. Feelings just are”— Iain S. Thomas, Intentional Dissonance (via cultivate-solitude)
This was a strange week. A lot of things happened that were just very weird. Things that happened that left me with uncomfortable feelings. A “bad taste in my mouth” but with feelings.
I used to be extremely involved in my sorority. Like exec board, planning huge philanthropy events, weekly meetings plus the regular chapter meetings, various other things, etc.
But now I feel an intense sense of disconnect with it. And it’s not necessarily negative. I almost feel as if I’m supposed to still be engrossed in it. But I’m not. I’m just not. I almost feel a sense of resentment towards it in the strangest way and I don’t know why. I’ve always been really conflicted on the idea of a sorority. I love it for the structure and for the values it has taught me. I love it for the friends it’s allowed me to make. I also love it for the typical reasons, the boys and the parties. There are many things about being a part of Greek life that have been very, very positive. In fact, more positive than negative. But still….. There are the negatives.
I absolutely detest the superficial aspects. I hate how bitchy and downright ridiculous some circumstances are. I hate the political aspects of it. I find it so fucking contradictory. I hate how nitpicky we are about the stupidest most insignificant details. I hate the power trips people are on. I feel like it totally just ruins the whole reason were in a damn sorority in the first place. It’s shit like that that makes me resent it. I hate passive aggressive bullshit. It just makes me angry and gives me negative vibes that I frankly have no interest in dealing with anymore. I’ve had amazing experiences and have made great friends in it, but at this point in my life, I guess there’s no other way of saying it…. I’m over it.
I had a great time my second buku experience. I couldn’t help but reminisce on my first experience, though. It was still the beginning of our relationship. I’d always wanted to goto an electronic music festival. I was ecstatic to be able to not only goto the event itself, but to share it with someone I was crazy about. Someone I felt so comfortable with. He really understood me. He knew why I would feel the way I felt and didn’t judge me for it. He didn’t look down on me. This was my most mature relationship experience to date.
Not only did I have that little cloud occasionally dropping into my head when I would see happy couples, there was something else. The girl who he was with before me, who was ever present even after he ended it with her and was dating me. That girl was there. And I saw her. Multiple times. It wasn’t that seeing her was a big deal as much as seeing her magnified the original cloud, which in all honestly was just fleeting moments of private thought. Nothing major. I could shake those feelings.
Despite all this I still had an amazing time with my friends this weekend. If anything, as I was recapping the experience in my head afterwards was when these circumstances really affected me the most. When I got home it was all I could think about for a little while. I chalk it up to my depleted serotonin levels at the time, but still.
This is not to say I’m not over him, because I am. I know at this point that he is toxic for me. I don’t want him back. What I want back, and what I hope for one day, and yearn for every now and then late at night, is that connection we once shared. I want that desperately with another person. That is what life is all about if you ask me. Love. Sharing something with someone else. When you find that, everything else in life makes sense, and everything else in life is better. This raw passion I have for love, and frankly, addictive tendencies toward it and the objects of my affection as well, have proved both amazing and destructive as hell for me. It’s going to be right one day. I’ll find it again someday. But for now, the aforementioned clouds that visit me now and then with reminders of what I used to share with someone who I am no longer in contact with, someone who did not appreciate me, someone who really hurt me, are apparently here to stay. I write this entry because I wish to get rid of it. I want to find clarity. I want to be at peace with the situation. I am in some ways, and in other was I’m not. It still affects me. While it no longer controls my life or inhibits my happiness severely, it’s still there. It’s still there in a minute compartment in the back of my brain, and when it’s triggered, it sucks. I long for the day that I’m no lingered triggered. I long for the day the clouds are white and not grey. I’m glad they’re not thunderstorm clouds anymore but hell I’m ready for a rainbow.
I first heard this song at a time when I didn’t want to actually feel these lyrics. I felt them and I rejected them. I told him to turn it off when he played it. They foreshadowed what was about to come. He was about to move away, and I wasn’t prepared to let go yet. I couldn’t even grasp the concept of the frame of mind that’s described in this song. The frame of mind of being better off without someone who you were once completely in love with. I didn’t think that was something possible for me.
But it most certainly is. As time goes by, I realize how much better off I am. They say hindsight is 20/20, and whoever ‘they’ are, they’re right. I’m so thankful to be out of the darkness. I’m so thankful to be done with this person. I don’t regret being with them. There was a time when he was exactly what I needed. There was a time when he treated me pretty well. But I held on for too long. I allowed myself to be treated poorly in a blinded and desperate attempt to hold onto the times when everything was going well. I refused to accept that it wasn’t the way it was when I was most happy with him. And that crushed me. It still does a little bit from time to time, and I can’t lie and say I have no resentment towards him. Because I definitely do. I have a lot, in fact. But that’s fine with me. I can accept that I allowed him to treat me poorly. It is not all on him. But there are other aspects of it that I very much resent. I’m back to my old, independent self. It couldn’t feel any better. This entire semester has been miles better than last semester when I was still holding on. Letting go was very difficult for me. But I did it.
"Sometimes you have to get dirty before you can feel clean. Underneath the darkness there is light." - Madonna