I first heard this song at a time when I didn’t want to actually feel these lyrics. I felt them and I rejected them. I told him to turn it off when he played it. They foreshadowed what was about to come. He was about to move away, and I wasn’t prepared to let go yet. I couldn’t even grasp the concept of the frame of mind that’s described in this song. The frame of mind of being better off without someone who you were once completely in love with. I didn’t think that was something possible for me.
But it most certainly is. As time goes by, I realize how much better off I am. They say hindsight is 20/20, and whoever ‘they’ are, they’re right. I’m so thankful to be out of the darkness. I’m so thankful to be done with this person. I don’t regret being with them. There was a time when he was exactly what I needed. There was a time when he treated me pretty well. But I held on for too long. I allowed myself to be treated poorly in a blinded and desperate attempt to hold onto the times when everything was going well. I refused to accept that it wasn’t the way it was when I was most happy with him. And that crushed me. It still does a little bit from time to time, and I can’t lie and say I have no resentment towards him. Because I definitely do. I have a lot, in fact. But that’s fine with me. I can accept that I allowed him to treat me poorly. It is not all on him. But there are other aspects of it that I very much resent. I’m back to my old, independent self. It couldn’t feel any better. This entire semester has been miles better than last semester when I was still holding on. Letting go was very difficult for me. But I did it.
"Sometimes you have to get dirty before you can feel clean. Underneath the darkness there is light." - Madonna
“Admit it. You aren’t like them. You’re not even close. You may occasionally dress yourself up as one of them, watch the same mindless television shows as they do, maybe even eat the same fast food sometimes. But it seems that the more you try to fit in, the more you feel like an outsider.”—Timothy Leary (via onlinecounsellingcollege)